This has to be the lowest point in my life. The relationship that lasted for more than 3 years, has now been deserted. Yes, that is the worst part, the relationship is very much there, just that people decided to not live in it anymore. I was never really forth-coming about admitting my relationship with anyone. Yes a couple of people know a brief account of it, but not much. Now I have decided to make it public. I want to let this out and get lighter so that I can soar up. The main objective before me is to make sure that this remains the lowest point and doesn’t get any lower.
Meeting
All this started when I met her in an online forum. Before I get to that, I need to tell about my mental state back then. I had this habit of pleasing and wanting to help people in order to be in their good books . Being an introvert, it comes naturally I guess. What used to happen with that behavior was, I wouldn’t open up my true self with anybody. It used to leave me dissatisfied. So after giving it a sincere thought, I realized that- ‘how a relationship(be it any) shapes up entirely depends on how honestly it starts off’. So I said to myself, no more pleasing people. You can impress with whatever you have but not with borrowed ideas. Precisely at this point I met this girl. I vividly remember her posting some childish stuff to tease people. She was posting no-holds barred. I like people with free-spirit, so it naturally impressed me. Some witty conversation happened in the forum between us which landed us in a private chat. Not sure who pinged who, would have been a big debating point if this story had a different ending, doesn’t matter much now. Though I tried to be as instinctive and spontaneous as possible, I was no match for her. Before I could type in one thought, I would get 10 replies. I loved that energy. In the first conversation itself, she asked me If I would be interested in getting in to a relationship with her. I had my doubts on whether she was really honest about it or just fooling around. But something made me trust her and say ‘why not?’. We then decided to exchange emails on what each others interests and preferences were. Again doesn’t matter whose idea was that.
It all started with that email.
After that we went off chat. And for about 15 mins or so, I didn’t do anything but try to understand what actually happened there. Clearly I went against my natural, measured, ‘please people’ approach. I pleasantly surprised myself. I then sat down to write about myself, took this opportunity to explore my mind and put it on paper. I hardly knew her so it wasn’t an email to impress her. After one point, I felt like I was writing for myself. After it was done and sent, I fell in love with what I wrote. I fell in love with my honesty. Just now it crossed my mind to revisit that email, but I am not going to. It is not the content I wanted to refresh but the emotion. My ideology, my outlook everything has changed over the last three years and I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the content now. And girl! this is precisely why I used to hate when you would dig those emails and read them out to me. Coming back, the next day I got an email from her stating that she was only trying to find out how a boy would react to such a proposal, but after reading my honest response she felt guilty and went on to pour her heart out like I did. It got us hooked to wanting to know more about each other. Thus the journey started.
The Dilemma throughout.
I am not for a committed relationship. By which I mean, I wouldn’t promise her nor would expect the girl to promise me, that we would stay committed forever. I could very well go on to live with that girl forever, but I don’t want a word or promise to tie us together but love. I would want my girl to choose me, when she had the option of not choosing me and vice-versa. I love to apply freedom and independence in every aspect of life and this is no exception. She would initially insist on a commitment, but when realized the depth of my argument, she was convinced. She would still continue to ask for it, only when emotions got better of her and not when she was her rational self. The problem she always had was family acceptance. Being the only child didn’t help her. The worst thing about a family system is, you are enslaved to one another. Individual is completely lost. They are held hostage in their own homes. And when they still say they love their family, I can’t think of a better case of ‘Stockholm Syndrome’. Though I concede that there could be an odd rational family, majority are hostage homes. She would talk to me, she would pour her heart out but would never come out of that prison. She was sailing in two boats and I was guilty of encouraging her . I used to advocate her from time to time that you can’t get best of the two worlds..you have to choose one. Looking back, I feel, I should have been more stern about it.
Philosophy
Seeing my strong individualistic ideas with no respect for traditions and conventions, she introduced me to Ayn Rand, the philosopher. Being a seeker of reason and freedom, I got naturally hooked to her philosophy. It gave me answers to so many puzzling things that I had in my mind. It was the best phase of my life. Understanding the finer details of life in the company of a person who appreciated not my name, not my face, not my profession but me. The rational me. The thinking me. Tears rolling down as I write this. This is not easy. The only philosophy that I missed applying to our relationship was, the black and white nature of the world that Miss Rand advocated. Ayn Rand says “There are two sides to every issue: one side is right(white) and the other is wrong(black), but the middle(gray) is always evil. Middle is the knave which blanks out the truth in order to pretend that no choice exist”. ‘Black’ could be excused for limited knowledge. But ‘gray’ is the one with full knowledge but doesn’t want to act. I am guilty of encouraging ‘gray’, did that in the hope that it would turn ‘white’ one day. But it went back to being ‘black’ leaving me shattered. And I am rightly facing the consequences today.
Girl! Today I am passing a moral judgement on you, you traded yourself to a lesser value. You sacrificed your life. You went back to the darkness after seeing the light. But one thing I appreciate, when you asked me to not message you again, though it hurt me endlessly, I loved the conviction and courage with which you said it. I never saw that in you before. If only you had exhibited that in choosing the right value. It did occur to me, may be I should have forced you to take a decision in our favor. But I did the right thing by not doing so. Force is an evil and that’s exactly why we are in this situation. I always believed that you counter irrationality with rationality and not with some other form of irrationality. Yes! irrationality won it today and you helped it win handsomely.
Why am I making all this fuss now- when I knew this was bound to happen?
I genuinely thought I had the courage to march on even after she’s gone. I didn’t pretend it. You could call it lack of imagination. No matter how well you know about yourself, there is always that one situation that could bring out a facet that you never thought you had it in you. That’s exactly what’s happening to me.
And Girl! Yes! I did tell you that I would want to see you happy even after our separation. Back then you were still my girl and I couldn’t take the idea of you being sad, so I had said that. But it really doesn’t make sense to me now. The fundamentals of our relationship were understanding each others values and happiness. There is no way anyone can understand you and your happiness better than me. The how could I possibly believe that some random guy, picked up by your parents(who never gave any thought to your ideas) would understand you more than me and make you happy? So it doesn’t give me any confidence that you will be happy. I don’t want to lie about it. And you very well know that happiness is a relative subject. So even if you feel you are happy it could never match my standards of happiness. You deserve more. You deserve me. I cannot wish you happiness either, for you know I never believed in wishes and greetings. If wishes could come true, I would do nothing but wish all day. Still, if there was a possibility of a wish coming true, why would I wish for your happiness with some other guy, when I could easily wish for us and our togetherness?
Whenever we would have a fight, you used to ask me to return all the emails and gifts back. Girl! Now you are free to take this all back! Hope you got a big garage in your backyard..because it would take years to burn all this down. I cannot forget the tone with which you spoke last time. It felt like a stone. I never thought you were capable of something like that. You did the impossible. They say “The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.” I think you are on a mission to prove that wrong.
This relationship now feels like a monumental waste of effort. The monument is still there but there is no life in it. It makes me think of the tajmahal. It is just a show piece, inside it is a fucking graveyard. And Girl! this epic, that I am writing now is your tajmahal and I am going to bury you in it forever and move on. You are as good as dead. Yes someone with the same name and same features would be living on, but my girl is dead. I am not an irrational guy to go after a look alike.
RaviThinks 